7/10/98: IS IT REALLY A 'REAL WORLD'...I'LL TAKE EGO-SERVING COLUMNS FOR $1000 ALEX... THAT'S WHAT I CALL CANDY...

I've never really thought of myself as old until recently. It isn't just the constant pain in my left knee, the extra pounds around the middle, or the desire for a glass of wine instead of a bottle of beer.

Nope, this "old" feeling is something more tangiable. I recently realized I'm too old for MTV's 'The Real World' and too young to run for President.

Not that I'd really want to do either one. Sure, it might be fun to grope a pudgy intern behind the closed doors of the Oval Office, but could I really face six months with the current cast of 'The Real World'? Let's take a look at the seven strangers picked to live in the wharf-front house in Seattle, WA...

There's Rebecca, or as we like to call her, 'Translucent Girl.' Earthy, crunchy, and whiny, she also gets physically ill at the thought of sex. This can't make Dave happy, since this mush-mouthed refugee from Virginia Military Institute has already professed that there's something "pure" about her that he wants. Then again, Dave considers getting a 1370 "tearing [the SATs] in half." Dave's fellow VMI-er is Nathan, though Dave calls him "Nate-Dog". Well, Nate-Dog hit Seattle, grew a soul patch, put in his hoop earrings and started wearing a wool cap in the house. Pretty grunge, eh? Keeping the horny house theme going, Nate Dog apparently has the hots for Irene, a corkscrew-haired waif with one grating fucking voice...it's like someone's squeezing George Burns' nuts. We should let this slide because everyone in the house keeps talking 'bout how funny Irene is...me, I'm not seeing it. So far, all she's done is complain about the wet weather and had extended hours of verbal foreplay with Nate Dog. Unfortunately, this leaves Lindsay with a serious case of the screaming thigh sweats. Bouncy, bubbly, and desperately wanting to be "one of the guys", she needs it bad and probably figured she'd be getting some from Dave-O or Nate Dog. Oh, too bad. Janet is a nearly forgotten figure six episodes in, though she did receive the cliched "she has an exotic beauty" comment in one of the early episodes. Janet, of course, is Oriental. Which leaves us with poor Stephen. This season's token black character, Stephen has the added bonus of being Jewish. Sammy Davis, Jr. fixation aside, you'd think that two racial stereotypes for the price of one would've made Stephen a shoe-in for serious camera time, but he's having trouble breaking through the Dave/Rebecca/Nate Dog/Irene juggernaut. Well, the fact that he does more bitching than any female character and comes off like a giant PUSSY certainly can't be helping matters.

Though they're not my most hated RW cast (that honor goes to Dan, Joe, Flora and the rest of the Miami cast...almost unbearable), it is the cast I enjoy making fun of most.

Lest you think I'm totally culturally bankrupt I'd like to mention that 'Jeopardy!' is my other favorite show on the tube. We even went so far as to buy 'Electronic Jeopardy!' (available from Tiger at better toy stores everywhere). No, it isn't quite the same as the beloved tv version: no creepy contestants in ill-fitting sweaters and out-of-date eyewear; no snide comments from Alex; and no bad loser gifts like the camera they showed posed next to a plastic squirrel. And when you're looking for a new camera, isn't that really your first consideration..."yeah, I don't really care about the focal length. Do you have any idea how big it is in comparison to your garden variety squirrel?"

Though we thought it'd be bigger, the hand-held game can make for hours of couch-bound enjoyment. It's just a bitch flipping over the Answer/Question book, and the computer opponents are about as swift as escapees from the local mental hospital.

Now that Summer's in full swing that can only mean one thing...the blockbuster movie season is upon us. I'm trying to avoid most of the big-budget shlock clogging up the silver screen by steering myself to stuff like THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO and THE OPPOSITE OF SEX. But, sometimes you can't help but get sucked in by a marketing campaign.

I'm talking, of course, about the Nestle Nuclear Chocolate Bar, which has been tied into ARMAGEDDON. "Milk Chocolate with Crisped Rice and Popping Candy Particles" is how it's described on the wrapper. I'm more willing to go with something like "an insane attempt at making nuclear energy and potential disaster a fun, candy-coated experience." The most ironic bit of packaging? The wrapper's admonition that "You Have the Power...Don't Trash the Planet!" Yikes!

That's it for this week...