EI Independent | Review by Crites
In the year 2000, fornication is prohibited by Control and Control Central (“Cut out the god-damn screwing! I mean it!”). Cut to a naked couple screwing, or trying to, who are promptly interrupted and arrested by a squad of Control enforcers led by Roscoe the Robot. The penalty for unsanctioned fornication: reduction to the height of six inches for six months.
Elsewhere the unfortunate Cindy (Catharine Erhardt) is suffering the indignities of her crackpot stepmother and two bitchy stepsisters, not to mention their bad hairdos and worse song and dance routines. Finally catching a break Cindy goes out for a miniature country holiday, where she reads, what else, the story of Cinderalla and indulges in a bad bit of lip-syncing herself. Suddenly a spaceship appears, beaming down Cindy’s fairy godfather and his assistants (who look a lot like vaginas as envisioned by Sid and Marty Kroft). Fairy’s come to Earth to save humanity from itself, partially through the re-introduction of lovemaking, as awkwardly demonstrated by a pair of mimes in bunny masks getting it on. More song and dance is engaged in, as Fairy and Cindy are joined by H.R. Pufnstuf’s dancing blue vaginas and various costumed forest critters. Fairy’s free hippie love shit really blows Cindy’s mind, and she returns home with a whole new attitude.
In a series of vignettes illustrating the tensions of the times, Cindy’s undersexed stepmother suffers a dreaded attack of “the hornies,” the Controller (Erwin Fuller) bemoans his impotence, and the beloved sexual surrogate of Control, Tom Prince (Vaughn Armstrong), whose task it is to bang needy women on a fixed schedule, begs the Controller to reconsider the nature of Control. And with that, the concept of Millennial love-in “The Great Controller’s Uncontrolled Masquerade Ball” is born.
Cindy of course is not invited, but Fairy appears with his magic wand to conjure her up a dress, transform a sex toy into a racecar, and wrangle Cindy a shot at the ball. Playing Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty, Cindy is a big hit with Tom Prince; she even convinces him to give in to a little illegal free love. But of course they’re caught by the nosy and rather queer Roscoe and the Enforcers; Cindy manages to give them the slip in time to return home before the appointed hour, but her escape leaves Tom Prince alone, desperate and forlorn.
Tom Prince gets the Controller’s permission to take a leave of absence to seek out his Aphrodite, but because Cindy was so garishly made up (meaning she was done up like a porn star, not a softcore starlet) he doesn’t know what she really looks like; it appears he’ll just have to put his foot into every woman’s glass slipper, so to speak, until he finds that perfect fit. Upon hearing the news, Cindy’s sisters promptly go apeshit: “Stella! Stella! The Controller’s sexual surrogate is on his way down our street RIGHT NOW!” “Christ! I’ve gotta douche!”
Tom Prince eventually bangs his way into the home of the wicked stepmother, where he runs through the sisters before even noticing Cindy. True love blossoms, and Fairy shows up to help spread the word of Free Love. Which, oddly enough, takes the form of Cindy blowing the Controller. And she must be good, because the Controller outlaws fornication in favor of lovemaking. And, with a montage and a song, we’re fucking out of here.
It would be difficult to find a more apt period piece than this. CINDERELLA 2000 is pure Seventies, from its funky soundtrack to the sci-fi theme to the fruity disco outfits and the obsession with sex. Unfortunately that doesn’t carry it very far. I shit you not, but during the viewing I actually fell asleep with my finger on the fast-forward button. That’s bad. It’s so bad, even if it was a hardcore XXX feature it would still be boring. It’s so bad, even if you got a free blowjob during the film it still wouldn’t be worth sitting through. It’s so bad, well, I guess you get the picture. It’s neither as funny nor as sexy as it needs to be, two major flaws in a sex comedy of any kind.
Bonuses include commentary (didn’t dare, despite the crack factor), an alternate title sequence, trailer vault, and, what do you know, the entire European version of CINDERELLA 2000 which appears to contain slightly more useless softcore sex.