Acorn Video | Review by Dan Taylor
I've enjoyed all sorts of
European sleaze, from the shores of Italy
to the castles of Spain. But when I'm looking
for hardcore degenerate behavior captured
on film the Germans have always been a "go
to" country. Hey, after viewing something
as depraved as TEENAGE PISS PARTY I never
expected them to create something as dull,
boring and unexciting as the truly wretched
GIRLS RIOT (Acorn Video).
Actually, it didn't start
off too bad. A series of talking head shots
open the film up, and a succession of girls
respond to the question, "What are
the first three things that come into your
head?" "Father... Mother... Beer
Festival" had me rolling on the floor,
but "House... Hammer... Tenderness"
was an uncalled-for shot to the bread-basket
that caused more than one member of the
ER Crew to snarf his Natty Boh! Too bad
the remainder of the flick couldn't live
up to this off-the-wall introductory tone.
In actuality, GIRLS RIOT doesn't
take place in a prison at all, it's more
like a vocational home for emotionally disturbed
chicks. But, the filmmakers lied, because
there really isn't a riot... so I guess
nobody can be trusted.
The flick follows the normal
route that seems to be in the "How
to Write a Women In Prison/Girls In a Home
Flick" pamphlet, available from your
local County Extension Office. The Warden/Head
Mistress is cruel and unusual... the new
Guard/Teacher understands the Inmates/Whackos
and can relate to their problems. Everything
is all well and good until some dire emergency
takes place and all hell breaks loose...
and you know the story from there.
Andrea Zeller is the new monitor
for the school, and she's dropped off there
by her Aryan boyfriend... jeez, the way
they say goodbye you'd think she was going
to her grandmother's house for the weekend,
not to a reform school for psycho chicks.
One look at Andrea and you know this babe
has "I'll crack under pressure"
tattooed on her left butt cheek.
Pretty soon the cruel Head
Mistress (who is one serious lush) catches
Andrea in a room with Sonya (a psycho) who
is exposing her tiny twin peaks! Yikes,
it was all innocent enough, but not to a
liquored-up broad with a really bad haircut.
So Andrea has some duties taken away, the
Head Mistress insults one of the girl's
fathers while she's all toked up on Night
Train, and Andrea totally cracks under the
pressure (see!) when Sonya tells her that
she gets her rocks off by trying to give
the priest a hard-on at mass!
Hey, I just went back and
re-read this, and I'm making this thing
sound WAY better than it really is!
As for Catfights, this flick
rates a big fat ZERO since the only bone
they throw us is two chicks whipping wet
towels at one another and a mediocre "head
in the toilet bowl" scene! It's a shame
that writer/director Manfred Purzer didn't
spend more time getting involved in the
subplot about the pimp who uses escapees
from the school – that was just about
the most interesting, make that ONLY interesting,
part of the entire flick.
Bonus points for the line,
"You know, my grandmother used to say,
'It is better to crouch than to bend over.'"
And would someone please introduce director
Manfred to the 180° Rule so that I don't
have to be rushed to the Emergency Room
with "Exploitodisorientiasis"
again. My insurance doesn't cover the shots.
