Exploitation Retrospect | The Journal of Junk Culture and Fringe Media

The John Holmes Collection (2008)
After Hours Cinema | Buy at Amazon | Review by Crites

Thanks to the increasingly unsatisfying mechanization of modern pornography, what with the overwhelming fondness for steroidal ex-cons spitting all over and ass-fucking homeless 19-year-old bag-chasers, at least the discerning adult film fan can rely upon the ever-burgeoning market of re-releases. Particularly those from the bushy golden era of the sleazy Seventies. Which brings us to this compilation, THE JOHN HOLMES COLLECTION. What can one say about Johnny "Wadd" Holmes? I mean, aside from the fact that he's generally recognized as a freebasing serial killer with a big dick? A performer almost completely lacking in finesse, and one who would practically fuck anybody for a coke marble? Well, there is the fact that if you don't think about all of that too much, regardless of your sex or orientation it is pretty impressive to watch him wield that thing. Hosting a literal baloney pony and just flinging that thing around, well, it's kind of like the adult version of a clown doing balloon animals. So, let's watch some of that, shall we?

After some trailer action (SYLVIA, BUSTY SUPERSTARS OF THE 1970s, and THE GRINDHOUSE OCCULT COLLECTION featuring THE SINS OF REVEREND STAR and NIGHT OF SUBMISSION) 42nd Street Pete talks a bit about the history of the legendary Holmes, pulling no punches as he bluntly calls him a scumbag and talks about his cocaine habit, the Wonderland Avenue murders, Holmes' death from AIDS and his widespread dishonor. Following this brief and informative lecture Pete introduces the feature film on disc one, DEAR PAM.

DEAR PAM opens with advice columnist Pam Slanders being discussed by the highbrowed Decency and Morality League, who have just decided to bestow upon her their highest honor, "The Most Moral Woman of the Year." Because, after all, "Her advice is always quite moral."

Making their way up to Pam's office the League engages in an upper crust circle-jerk, patting each other on the back over how much publicity their nomination will garner.

Meanwhile, Pam (Crystal Sync) is engaged in stuffing herself with a large pink dildo. When the League is shown in by her secretary, Miss Klug, Pam tucks this a little deeper, where it stays hidden until an orgasmic coughing fit blows the thing out onto the carpet. Passing it off as an enormous eraser, Pam consents to an interview.

What the League wants to do is to pick one of her readers' letters at random and see what advice she can give on the spot. With Pam's consent, League figurehead Rose Cummings (Jennifer Jordan) plucks a letter from the daily mail at random and begins to read.

The writer's problem is that he's lost his good luck charm, a fertility necklace shaped like a cock ring. Harry Phallis (Eric Edwards), the author of the letter, is seen interviewing a potential secretary, Gladys Mygrain (C.J. Laing), during lunch at Gaston's. As an appetizer to the Tuesday Special Mr. Phallis begins to "Check (her) qualifications" by stripping the both of them down to the tune of "Harry Fuck Me" (performed by the band Slim Pickens). Gladys demonstrates her skills at dictation by going down on him, then submitting to a doggy-style deflowering.

Over a mixture of pleading for him to stop and begging for more, the pale, small-breasted Gladys succumbs to Harry's lack of charm, loving it when he creams down the crack of her ass. And although she seems sorrowfully confused over the fact that she's not a virgin anymore the young lady perks up considerably when she learns that she's got the job. So buoyed are her spirits in fact that she decides Harry has to marry her.

"Oh no," says Harry to the camera. "Another bright one."

Rose is, of course, appalled by the contents of the letter. But she continues to read despite the obvious "depravity" of the writer.

After lunch Harry pays a visit to the home of his good friend Norm. Who is conveniently not at home, so Harry is instead entertained by Norm's statuesque wife Jean (Beverly Bovy). The two of them start by taking a bath together, and soon Jean's taking Harry's cock into her mouth. She then takes it from behind, and Harry washes the fuzzy cleft of her ass. "Harry, you're really quite spectacular!" So spectacular in fact that Jean tells him she's pregnant, and he's the father. "Norm had a vasectomy over a year ago."

Harry's generous response: "Oh shit."

The letter, and its depravity, continues. "Listen to this," says Rose. "This is the worst of all."

And the worst conveniently finds Harry's stepdaughter Sandy (Ginger Snaps) sleeping in his bed. She's having a wet dream about "Bobby," and Harry doesn't need much convincing to play along. After all, he wouldn't want to wake her up: "After all, children need their sleep."

"I'd forgotten how tight a 14-year-old could be," he says (Yes, maybe that is the worst of all...), as in no time he's balls deep in statutory country, afraid to stop for fear of waking the girl. It's after he's watered her rose bush and continued to fuck her that his fertility symbol necklace falls off and gets lost inside of her.

"I cannot believe the morality in this country has fallen to such a low point!" exclaims Rose. At this point the League refuses to believe that the letter is authentic, and they decide to investigate by interviewing the parties concerned.

Barton Fartblow (Tony "The Hook" Perez) pays a visit to the Phallis household, but finds only Sandy at home. She invites him in, and under the pretense of examining his wardrobe for gift ideas for her father she begins undressing him. Yammering on like a grade-school Brooklynite Sandy is soon tasting Barton's massive meat "banana," despite his very feeble protests, then climbing on top of him for a dirty-talking fuck. Leaning back she coaxes a wad out of him, and when she climbs off Harry's necklace is now wrapped around Barton's cock.

"This is terrible," says Barton in the throes of post-orgasmic guilt.

"It's not so bad," Sandy tells him. "All we need is a little more practice!"

Mortified with himself Barton runs back to League headquarters and confesses to Rose that he was just seduced by a 14-year-old girl. Rose wants to hear all about it, and in the process the two begin reenacting the scene.
Rose ends up tasting Barton's banana too, and in very short order he's slipping it to her right there in the office of the Decency and Morality League. Rose's proper faŤade drops away as soon as she finds that she can actually accommodate Barton's manhood, and by the time he splashes down on her belly he's left the necklace inside of her.

Rose gets dressed and hustles off to the Spurtover Oil Company in search of Harry Phallis. (By the way, nice attention to detail with the raised relief plaque of the company.) Harry is out to lunch, but Gladys is holding down the fort and Rose confronts her with the contents of the letter. Gladys shamefully admits that it's all true: "He fucked me between the soup and the main course!" When Gladys tells Rose that she's still sore, Rose sits her down, removes her skirt, and proceeds to examine the poor girl. Orally, that is.

After a bit of kissing-it-and-making-it-better, Gladys asks to see Rose's pussy so that she can compare the two and make sure hers is all right. After a little more licking the ladies engage in a grinding session of frottage. When they've finished Rose takes her leave, inviting Gladys to the League dinner that evening, of course. She also leaves the necklace tucked away inside of her new friend.

Blissfully worn out, Gladys eases back to take a nap on the couch, still nude from the waist down. It's at this moment that the League's Richard Grandik (John Holmes) arrives. He admires the sleeping girl, and after a very brief moral struggle ("I wonder if I dare?") decides to slip it to her, thinking she might not even notice. But of course she notices a foot of cock, and wakes up right away at the shock of being entered by Holmes' cyclopean sea monster. Grandik splits her in half, despite her pretending to object, and quickly comes on her stomach.

"Richard," asks Gladys in the afterglow, "Will you marry me?"

Pam is masturbating in her office again when her secretary barges in to tell her that a Mr. Richard Grandik has arrived to see her. "Doesn't anyone the fuck ever knock around here?" Pam asks icily. But seeing as how her orgasm has already been ruined she consents to an audience with Richard.

Richard tells her that he believes the letter is authentic, and also that he wasn't fooled by her eraser gag that morning. The conversation turns to size, and soon Pam is trying him on. "I'm only doing this in the interest of science," Pam tells him a moment before taking his gigantic member in her mouth. Or at least the head, which is about all she can take.

And by the way, Pam is one sexy performer: black-haired, pale-skinned, with small shapely breasts and completely unshaved she is a very real porn star, absolutely unlike the manufactured fuckdolls of today.

Grandik begins laying pipe, and despite the running conversation between he and Slanders he's soon frosting her right above the garter belt. And wouldn't you know it, now Pam's got the necklace.

That night, at Rose Cummings' house, everything seems to be shaping up nicely for the League's big promotional party. Except for the fact that Harry Phallis is more than a little miffed about his dirty letter getting spread around town. Unable to reach Pam by phone Harry threatens Miss Klug with legal action, and upon learning of the publicity party he grabs Gladys and heads straight for Rose's place.

Meanwhile, backstage at the promotional gig, Pam and Richard are laying low while waiting for the television cameras to arrive. Pam is eager for another crack at Grandik's monumental member, and in a rather artfully staged shot she pulls down the top of her dress and tries to outdo her previous attempt at swallowing his pork sword.
Onstage Rose begins her fancy hypocritical speech on behalf of the Decency and Morality League. When she reaches the moment of presentation for the Most Moral Woman of the Year the curtain is drawn and the audience is treated to the view of the Most Moral Woman of the Year chugging a mouthful of horsecock. On national television, yet. Barton Fartblow jumps onstage to try and assuage the situation, but Pam just pulls his cock out of his pants and starts blowing him too.

Even Harry's anger is defused by this point: "Oh boy! I didn't know it was that kind of a party!" Soon a full-scale orgy is taking place, and amidst the blowing of giant cocks, double penetrations, lesbianism and money shots, Rose comes to the conclusion that, "It's much more fun to do it than to try and stop other people from doing it."
As the orgy progresses Harry finally comes face to face with Pam Slanders. He vents for a minute, then asks her what she's got to say for herself.

"Fuck me, Harry. Fuck me!"

"Oh," he says. And he does.

In the process Harry gets his necklace back. "Hey everybody, hey look! Pam Slanders did it again! She solved my problem. She's the greatest! Look, look she found my cockring!"

"Hooray for Pam Slanders!" is the cheer of the day, as the orgy continues right into "The End."

The sex scenes are all short and sweet, not at all like the industrial training-style sexual marathons of today's porn. Which not only keeps the pace lively, but provides for a wide variety of scenarios and performers. Which, in keeping with the film's defined intention as a sex comedy, works rather well. And unlike many modern adult features this one even has multiple plotlines: between the League's hypocritical shenanigans, the running necklace gag, and the relationships between the characters it's evident that somebody actually put some thought into this film.

Certainly more than the current standard of, "All right, put the chick in the middle of the floor and she'll blow these four guys for 20 minutes until they all come in her face." Hell, there's even some keen-looking tribal art featured in the background of several sets.

Holmes actually manages to act in this one, adopting a posh Ivy League accent. True, he doesn't whip out the table leg until about an hour into the feature, but there's plenty to keep the viewer occupied until then. It's been said that "The Hook" could give Holmes a run for his money any day, and it's true, that cat is endowed.

Also on this disc are previews for 8mm MADNESS volumes one through seven.

Disc two of the JOHN HOLMES COLLECTION consists of a set of ten loops from among the thousands the Waddster is reputed to have made. All are hosted by 42nd Street Pete, who is accompanied by the ghost of John Holmes' penis. No kidding. Silent and grainy, these pre-coke era shorts have been lovingly collected and transferred to DVD, most likely for the first time.

First up is the black & white DANCIN' FOOL, which opens with a slim topless girl doing what appears to be her best Mick Jagger impression. Holmes walks in, also shirtless, and looking like a bit of a dirtbag with shades and 'stache. The girl chases him into the bedroom for some cunnilingus and cocksucking, after which Holmes takes her from behind. They finish up missionary style, and he splashes down on her chest.

In HOLMES 2 Johnny starts making out with some suburban hippie chick, and the action quickly moves into the bedroom. She works on him with both hands and her mouth until he erupts in her face.

ROUGH STUFF AND TWO BLONDES is one of those loops cobbled together from two different films. The first section has Holmes tying up a hapless blond and threatening her with a knife, but once she starts blowing him he cuts her loose and slips it to her, finishing with a facial. The second part cuts to an office where some roughly-used women await an audience with Johnny, and of course everybody gets laid.

JOHN TO GO finds a pair of businesswomen unwinding after a hard day of work by calling for a male escort. Their hired dick turns out to be none other than Big John Holmes: "Kee-rist, it's the whole meatloaf!" one lady's subtitles say upon releasing John's trout from his trousers. The girls give him the double blowjob, then the black girl blows him while he goes down on the white chick. John shoves the head of his cock into the white girl's ass ("YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" go the subtitles), then gives the black chick a reverse cowgirl ride as the white chick licks her pussy. It ends with a creamy double BJ.

HOSED DOWN doesn't waste any time, as John and his lady of the moment are both naked and performing sexual favors on each other right away. This quickly moves into the screwing, and after they move through several positions the pretty lady finishes him off and gets, you got it, HOSED DOWN.

DEEP THROAT 2 finds John whispering sweet nothings to a slutty-looking redhead, who strips down and actually manages to swallow the better part of Holmes' enormous cock. After this impressive display she climbs up and puts him inside her, and after another position or two she finishes him off orally.

BIG JOHN PART 2 jumps in mid-lay as John's going at it with some young dame outside by the pool. So heated up are they that they break mid-fuck and go for a swim, after which of course the fucking continues. He finishes in her face, and she looks happy to have the whole thing over with.

BIG DICK 2 also features a redhead, who also wastes no time in getting out of her dress for the camera. It actually takes a couple of minutes for John to show up onscreen, but when he does he's nude with dick in hand. With some trepidation the lady goes down on him, and he returns the favor for a fleeting moment before pushing it into her. After some missionary and doggy style she drops to her knees and drains him.

The sequel, BIG DICK3, starts with champagne but it's John's cock the little honey in the nightgown wants. They go to town on one another, then the young girl gamely takes in as much of him as she can before Holmes gives her a facial.

JOHN'S ORGY is the final chapter in the loop collection, featuring six girls and three dicks. They all know what they're there for, and the gang-bang gets started right away. With many a monster shot before the triple culmination, after the guys have largely blown their wads the ladies break out the toys and keep the party going.

A dozen Storefront Feature Series trailers complete the package, including a number of Grindhouse titles and films such as SEX ON WHEELS.

Pete sums it all up by saying that, love him or hate him, John Holmes was a legend. And you cannot argue with that. Pete's introduction to each film does kind of interrupt the flow, if you know what I mean, but with the only sound for each loop being the flicker of the film through the projector, captured during the mastering of the DVD, the collection really does convey a low-down dirty grindhouse ambiance.

Perhaps deliberately omitted are Johnny's ventures into gay porn. But, given the history of the genre and the performer it's probably okay that we don't get to witness what could be considered snuff. According to 42nd Street Pete's liner notes, "He did do one gay film, but he was pretty desperate at that point." However the Internet tells multiple stories and provides a number of interesting rumors, from Holmes' consorting with transsexual prostitutes to being paid off by jailhouse screws to rape troublesome inmates while being held as a suspect in the Wonderland Avenue murders. And in the early Nineties there was at least one hardcore magazine devoted to "John Holmes The King," going "Man to Man."

Without a doubt, one of porn's most colorful characters, if not the most honorable. As Pete mentions, those further interested in the legend of John Holmes can check out the Hollywood features BOOGIE NIGHTS and WONDERLAND.

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